


everything wrong with the homestuck epilogues

by PastelsColliding (Miksykat)



Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-24 02:47:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18562384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miksykat/pseuds/PastelsColliding
Summary: the homestuck epilogues were awful, and pretty much got me so bad that I've actually had to temporarily leave social media, but since I have yet to be properly dramatic about it, the break isn't helping. so!! this is just going to be me throwing the most dramatic bitchfit possible, breaking down everything that was done wrong and everything that was done right ((though it's shining qualities are few and far between)) because if I don't do this I genuinely think I'll either become obsessed and insane or finally reach the limit of my patience and become completely isolated from the world[[WARNING: I HAVE NOT READ EITHER THE MEAT OR CANDY ROUTE TO THEIR END, BECAUSE THEY BOTH SERIOUSLY FUCKED ME UP, SO I'LL ONLY BE ABLE TO PICK APART UP UNTIL A CERTAIN POINT]]





	1. the flaws

**Author's Note:**

> due to new information provided to me by a commenter, any and all praise towards dirk strider is now completely taken back. hussie really did him dirty, man. he could have been better

I don't have time to fuck around, so let's jump right in and start with the meat route ((because it's what I read first))

  1. John is so god damn oblivious to his own problems. it's painfully in character, but at some points it's just painful to watch
  2. dirk is awful. while the way he acts makes sense in the context of his character, and the role he takes as narrator makes sense in the context of his classpect, he had so much potential for good and he had people who could have helped him not walk the path he ended up walking, and his own self-regret would have most likely helped if he had put any thought into the true nature of his actions
  3. speaking of dirk, he was a little shit about roxy's gender, but I think he was actually trying at least a little, so I'm not going to hold him up to be incriminated by it
  4. jane, poor jane, she could have been truly great, but she became a capitalist and a xenophobe. if only someone had reached out and tried to help her see that she was becoming awful, so much could have been done
  5. jade not knowing how to be social?? makes sense. jade being "the slut" of the group and constantly being shamed for having fun and exploring life?? and in _both routes_ , no less?? horrendous.
  6. john being an absolute fool at all points, please, he's always been a little slow but he's not completely incompetent. _please_ , hussie ((and team)), these are _your characters_ , you should know how you wrote them!!
  7. davepeta deserved better, we'll always remember you, you funky little hero



and now, onto candy, which is why I'm really here, considering I personally prefer meat route even though it's got it's flaws as well

  1. while calliope most certainly has her reasons for wanting gamzee to be redeemed, he should have never been permitted the chance if _this_ is what he does with it
  2. roxy would _never_
  3. callie is just done so dirty in this I can barely stand it
  4. yes, jade doesn't really get social shit, I get it, I have the same issue, but _please_ , jade, these boys are not into you!! stop treating them like, in karkat's words, "pieces of meat"
  5. jane rapes jake. end of story
  6. jake just _goes along_ with all of this garbage.
  7. gamzee
  8. dirk is just treated awfully by this story. he doesn't get a chance at happiness, or a chance at something better, or to _be_ better. it's unfair
  9. gamzee.
  10. john you don't just marry someone if you aren't completely sure how you feel about them you fucking oaf
  11. John's behavior throughout all of this
  12. jane becoming betty crocker and having no growth, actually progressively getting worse, and losing all of her morality and respectability
  13. dave you poor bastard you didn't deserve to have to see this
  14. karkat basically taking the same path as his ancestor against basically the same kind of person hurts to watch, and since I haven't finished reading this route, I can at least pretend that he gets a happier ending even though I know it probably isn't true
  15. nobody deserved this
  16. _gamzee_
  17. eridan could have learned, could have been improved, but no!! he's a creep
  18. feferi you didn't deserve this either
  19. roxy would NEVER
  20. rose becomes useless as a friend
  21. I almost forgot to mention!! kanaya being in charge of the new brooding cavern!! not good!! while she's probably the most competent character, and best to be in charge of children, she's taken a role that she was being forced into on alternia, instead of being able to have time to decide what she actually wanted. but if she actually wanted to be there despite that, after having time to really think, I wouldn't be as mad
  22. speaking of children, none of these dipfucks should have been allowed to have children except for kanaya and rose
  23. bad child names
  24. aradia and sollux were shit and it hurts me to say it
  25. I don't think I can keep talking about this it's just so bad



anyways, I might come back and finish reading the epilogues in maybe a year, after I fully forget them enough to be able to go back or finally just go insane enough to enjoy reading them, whichever comes first. if I add another chapter, it'll be pointing out the few things I like about the epilogues. but I think this is finally enough to get me past this horrible tragedy on the face of homestuck. I wish you all luck and speedy recoveries


	2. the good bits!!

I couldn't just throw shade at the epilogues without pointing out what parts were actually good, because despite everything, it's still homestuck, and I honestly can't fully despise it

  1. dave caring about the economy!! I've seen people say that it's out of character, but his motivation probably stemmed from an ironic worship of obama, and eventually lead into becoming a real interest, which is something I myself have experienced as an irony master myself ((ironic fanfic reading is actually why I got so into fanfiction in the first place and strengthens my already existing interests)) and it's also really nice to see dave be so competent!!
  2. while I personally think davekat would have happened on the meteor, them being close and still pining for each other makes sense in the context of their characters and in the context of the information dave gives when he interrupts john and roxy's date to get advice. dave took a long time to finally get to where he is, and he's still growing. since I haven't finished reading the meat route I like to pretend that they get their shit together and kiss since john won't be there to interrupt and jade seems to be a little less forceful of herself into their relationship
  3. speaking of dave, the entirety of his behavior in the candy route during dirk's funeral is fantastic. he's grown so much, and he's finally able to feel and accept that he's feeling, and I damn near cried when he said he's ok, that, and he and dirk were close, were real brothers, and I think that dave finally got the bro he deserved
  4. davepeta's sacrifice in meat route is treated as heroic and brave, glad to see credit where credit is due
  5. now that I've got all my happy dave kinnie celebration out of the way, let me just say that while karkat basically taking the same path as his ancestor in the candy route really hurts me, I'm glad he isn't taking any shit, especially not from jane
  6. jade is poly!! ((although the way she's treated for it is rotten))
  7. nonbinary roxcallie!!
  8. the only major thing I like in candy route is that kanaya and rose get to be happy
  9. speaking of kanaya, may I refer you to kanaya taking no shit in all routes for any emotional healing you need
  10. swifer is lovely
  11. vriska gets destroyed but also honoured which is fair in all respects
  12. dirk and rose are close
  13. dirk may be an asshole, but he treated his friends as well as he could while still being manipulative. I don't think he genuinely wants to harm anybody and that's good. even when he's being kind of transphobic he still tries to narrate roxy and callie as they's



unfortunately, that's all the kindness I can give to the epilogues, because they really were painful, but at least we didn't get absolutely nothing good from them. I hope that after reading the epilogues and the first chapter of this, these moments of true goodness help heal the damage done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, heavily taking back any praise towards dirk. hussie really did him dirty, he could have been better. I'm just glad that he died a good brother in candy and didn't get the chance to become what he does in meat


End file.
